The Insanities
by Pit Viper of Doom
Summary: My rat alter ego tests her mettle with her own Redwall-based talk show. Have we learned nothing?
1. A Really, REALLY Bad Beginning

"GUUULLOOO!" Kenzie Farsight roared. "YOU'D BETTER NOT BE GETTING INTO MY SALTWATER TAFFY!"

"I'm _no-ot!_"

"He's not," Klitch affirmed from where he stood just behind her. "You're taffy's fine."

The rat relaxed. "Oh, that's good."

"He found your Milky Ways, though," Veil added.

**_"WHAT?!"_**

"I told you not to tell her," Klitch muttered as the female rat went thundering down the hallway toward her stock of candy and junk food in general.

Unfortunately (and purely by coincidence), Burrbob had been walking by when Kenzie dashed by. Burrbob stuck out his footpaw, tripping her with a flawless skill that came of practice. Kenzie flew through the air spectacularly until gravity remembered its job and brought her swiftly back to the floor. The rat's glasses slipped down to the end of her nose and perched there lopsidedly, giving her the look of an extremely confused owl. Slowly she turned to look at the young hare.

"Burrbob, tell me," she said quite calmly, before reverting back to screaming. "WHY IN THE NAME OF MOTHER NATURE, ODIN, THOR, ZEUS, ARTEMIS, ATHENA, APOLLO, MARS, HORUS, THOTH, LETO, AND HUITZILOPACHTLI DID I HIRE YOU?!"

Burrbob thought for a moment. "Dashed if I know... comic relief, maybe?"

"Comic relief? COMIC RELIEF?! HELLO! MY MILKY WAYS ARE AT STAKE!" Then she remembered whY she had been running down the hall. "MY MILKY WAYS! GULO!"

The wolverine peeked around the corner, his muzzle liberally smeared with chocolate, caramel, and trace amounts of toffee bits. "Yes?"

"THAT'S MY CANDY, GET YOUR OWN!"

Gulo stared at her. "Don't be so loud."

Adjusting her glasses on the bridge of her nose, Kenzie took a brief trip to her Happy Place™ (_Happy Tree Friends, Fullmetal Alchemist, Eddie Izzard, and Orlando Bloom,_ she thought to herself) before speaking in a more calm manner to the gluttonous wolverine. "Please don't take my candy. I NEED IT TO LIVE!"

"Thou'rt talking loud again."

"I am? Sorry. Anyway, the show's about to start any minute now. Everything ready?"

Gulo was licking chocolate off of his paws. "Mm... what?"

Kenzie stared at him. "Come to think of it, why did I hire you? And why'd I have to get you hooked on snacks?"

The wolverine blinked. "I can go back to eating flesh, if ye'd like."

In a flashback, Kenzie remembered what had happened to such unfortunates as Driftail, Runneye, and Bluesnout. "Er... no, that won't be necessary. ...Carry on. And wipe your mouth after eating."

Gulo obeyed. "Can I come too? There art more snacks just backstage."

"Feel free." Kenzie rushed out onstage, straightening her glasses again as she smiled cheerfully out at the audience full of various woodland creatures. "Hey, everybody, and welcome to the first episode of 'The Insanities'! I'm your host, Kenzie Farsight--"

Swartt Sixclaw stood up in the crowd, roaring, "Why'd yew call yerself 'Farsight' when yew don't even have perfect 20-20 vision?!"

Nightshade tugged at him. "Sit down, lord, mayhap she is a Seer like me."

"Don't compare me to you!" Kenzie snapped, remembering that she particularly hated Nightshade for killing a character she had liked.

"Do you hate Seers?" Nightshade asked.

"No, of course not, but I don't like characters who kill characters that I like."

"Who'd I kill?" Nightshade asked innocently. "Don't tell me you liked Balefur, he was a--"

"Of course not," Kenzie interrupted. "But I liked Skarlath. He was cool 'cause he and Sunflash pwned everyone. And he sang that spring song that just plain rocked--"

There was a sudden squawk from the kestrel in question. "PSYYYYYCH!"

"Dominated," Sunflash said with a grin. The two shared a paw-to-wing high five that nearly broke the hawk's wing when Sunflash forgot that he was a badger and thus had massive Bloodwrath-inhanced strength.

"Whoo! Go Bloodwrath!" a green bear in a camo jacket and green beret yelled at the edge of the audience, right before anti-crossover security guards stepped forward to remove him from the premises.

"Whoops..." Kenzie muttered. "Must have accidentally transported him here when I was in my Happy Place™. Aaaanyway, my name's Farsight because I'm farsighted. Simple as that. Kinda like you, Swartt. 'Sixclaw', six claws. Simple."

"LAAAAME!" Bowflegg the Fat, Old, Glutton Warlord shouted (rather ironically, if you ask me). "H'you 'ave no right to creade a h'awesome name oud of sometink stupid! H'ad least I am honest!"

"Hey, Snape did it, didn't he?" Kenzie shot back. "He created a kicktail alias using his mother's last name!"

Snape poked his head out onstage. "Well, when you say it like that, you make me look like a total pansy!"

Upon seeing the Harry Potter character, a group of Dibbuns started chanting, "SNIVELLUS AND LILY, SITTING IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

"DON'T CALL ME SNIVELLUS!" Snape roared.

"DON'T CALL HIM SNIVELLUS!" Kenzie roared, at the exact same time, before another contingent of anti-crossover security guards tackled Snape.

"You didn't call yourself Fat, Old, or Glutton!" Swartt bellowed at Bowflegg, continuing the argument. "That was all me!"

"Say h'wodd?!" Bowflegg yelled furiously, miraculously lifting his corpulent bulk onto two footpaws. (Across the audience, King Agarnu fainted with admiration.) "H'i wazzen' talkink about h'any of those t'inks! I meant Warlord! 'Ow dare you!"

"I'll 'warlord' you, lard barrel!" Swartt yelled, flying at his former leader. Bowflegg snarled.

"H'I'll teach you to dizrespec' my daughter!" The morbidly obese ferret skillfully turned the brawl into a sumo wrestling match, which of course he won.

"HA!" Veil jeered from backstage. At that moment, an inconveniently placed chandelier exploded, just as the aforementioned anti-crossover security guards were still escorting the green bear from the building. A moment later, the green bear (known to Happy Tree Friends fans as 'Flippy') broke free and began attacking all those present.

Kenzie chased after the bear, screaming. "SHART! SHART! Oh shart oh shart oh shart oh SHART!" Veil and Klitch dashed out to briefly yell, "WE'LL BE BACK AFTER THIS!" before taking cover while Gulo, Sunflash, Rawnblade, Cregga, Boar, Urthstripe, and all characters who had ever been a berserk killing machine attempted to subdue the displaced Happy Tree Friends character. Luckily, most Redwall characters actually know how to fight, so no one was actually killed...

Deciding to try waiting the pandemonium out, Kenzie crawled up into the ceiling beams and clung there muttering, "Ooohh mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy..."

**So what do you think? Good? Sucky? Am I plagiarizing anyone? I hope not. I attempted to do Bowflegg's accent, and it's kind of a hard accent to do. Anyway, I don't own Redwall, Happy Tree Friends, or Harry Potter, or anything else I've mentioned in this chapter that you might recognize from something that does not belong to me. And don't worry, hopefully Flippy will be gone by the time the next chapter rolls around. And yes, I love salt water taffy and milky ways. And Twix, but don't tell Gulo that.**

**And apologies to those who were confused due to the bizarre and inconvenient arrival of a certain Happy Tree Friends character. I couldn't resist giving him an appearance... I'm one of his most shameless fangirls actually...**


	2. Bad Woodlanders! Sit!

COMMERCIAL!

Cluny the Scourge stood before the Abbey, laughing maniacally and screaming out random exclamations of self-congratulation as battle raged around him. A rat who looked completely identical to Cluny stepped into view, looking sheepish.

"Hey, Cluny's phone here," the rat said. "Cluny's not going to answer 'cause... he's a lunatic." The 'Cluny's phone' rat shot Cluny an irritated glance. "See, Cluny doesn't have AT&T so... he's basically got zero bars in his phone. So... although you call--" (he shouted this in Cluny's direction) "-- like, THIRTY TIMES-- about that new siege engine he wanted... he's not callin' you back."

Fangburn joined the phone rat. "For the best coverage, switch to AT&T. More bars, in more places."

Cluny turned and roared angrily at Fangburn, "HEY! You idiot, stop breaking the fourth wall!"

* * *

When the commercial was over, everything in the studio had been straightened out, and there were no more intruding characters from other fandoms. Kenzie was in deep discussion with the authoress.

"So, no more of this crossover stuff, please?" the rat begged her human self. "It really screws everything up."

"Yeah..." the authoress admitted. "Hey, take a look at Gulo."

As a result of the fight, the wolverine had partly reverted back to his flesh-eating habits. Written messily in blue paint on his chest were the words, "I EAT SMALL KIDS." Luckily, he still craved snacks and was currently rummaging through the cupboard just backstage.

Kenzie blinked. "That's... gonna give me nightmares." The rat shook her head and turned her attention back to the audience.

"So... sorry about that, everyone," she apologized sheepishly. "And... especially sorry to you, Urthstripe."

The large Badger Lord mumbled something to her from behind the bandages swathing his head. Ferahgo was sitting about three seats down, barely able to contain his merriment. Urthwyte glared murderously at the weasel, so much that the security guards stationed at strategic locations around the perimeter fidgeted nervously.

Veil, who had once idolized his father until actually MEETING the guy, was now all admiration for Bowflegg. "Gramps, you ROCK!" he called from the stage, earning a glare from Swartt. Bowflegg smirked at the Warlord. Bluefen smiled weakly, clearly screaming her ears blue on the inside.

From where he was sitting between Scummy and Grubbage, Prince Bladd muttered, "De beasts here, dey are crazy, yarr."

"Aye, the feasts here do be lazy, mate," Grubbage agreed.

"So anyway," Kenzie continued, "I have invited certain characters to the stage so we can all interview them, get to know them, so please everybeast put your paws together and let's welcome--"

_SPLAT!_

An overripe tomato, more of a juicy back of mush than a vegetable and/or fruit, came flying out of somewere in the audience to hit the rat squarely in the snout. Kenzie's glasses went flying as reddish pulp and juice slid down her face.

Some members of the audience, too shocked even to laugh, looked at each other. What now? Several creatures glanced around to see who the culprit was, while (of course) some of the rowdier spectators cheered and roared enthusiastically.

Slowly, calmly, Kenzie reached up and wiped some of the smashed vegetable and/or fruit from her face. Then she took a deep, long breath for thirty full seconds before letting it out and completely drowning out the rowdy creatures.

**_"DWOOOOOOPPPPPLLLLE!"_**

The mousebabe stood up and raised paw in some sort of signal. At that moment, every single Dibbun member of the audience stood up and copied his gesture. A ragged chant started.

"Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab! Dab!"

Memm Flackery, who'd had experience with the Dab organization before, pulled the fire alarm.

Besides the annoying blaring noise, water sprayed down on the audience. The fat harenurse bellowed at the top of her longs, "BATHTIME, DIBBUNS!"

Caught offguard by Memm's unexpected retaliation, the Dab Dibbuns (known jokingly as 'Dabbuns') fled the audience. Several Infirmary Sisters including Armel, Alkanet, and Sloey chased after them.

Kenzie took a brief trip backstage to the kitchen area to splash water on her face. Gulo was still there, digging around in the variety of snacks.

"So, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," Kenzie continued. "Let's welcome Fenno, Druwp, and The Grumpy Bankvole."

There was much booing from both goodbeasts and evil ones alike, for the goodbeasts of course hated all three of them, while the bad vermin simply hated woodlanders as a whole. Dumble the baby dormouse, who had ducked under his seat to avoid getting wet rather than leave, handed Thrugg a straw. The two of them immediately began firing spitballs. Rocangus made a valiant attempt to join them, only to find that his beak was ill-suited for spitting. Not wanting to leave his friend out, Thrugg pushed over a small bag of squashy fruit.

Kindly, Kenzie handed all three of her guests an umbrella. Unkindly, she handed all of them a bright neon PINK umbrella.

"All right then," she said cheerfully, sidestepping to avoid a badly thrown apricot. "You can greet the audience now, you three."

"Heh," Fenno said indifferently.

"'Sup," Druwp mumbled.

The Grumpy Bankvole did not verbally greet them, but made a rude gesture with his paw.

Kenzie drew her saber with a swish and swung it at The Grumpy Bankvole's outstretched limb.

"AAAIIIEEEE! MURDER! THAT VERMIN SCUMBAG JUST LOPPED OFF ME PAW! AIIIIIIEEEEEE!"

Feeling a bit steamed at the 'vermin' comment, Kenzie sniffed. "Oh, you can take your paw and stuff it straight up your--" (she remembered that not all the Dibbuns had fled from the audience) "--I didn't even slice off a single hair from your grubby claw! Because unlike you, I actually take notice of--"

Gulo poked his head out from the doorway to the kitchen area. "Hey, where're the Cheetohs?!"

Mildly irritated, Kenzie replied over her shoulder, "They're right next to you! Anyway, Fenno, tell us. Why did you--"

"Where's the Mountain Dew?" the wolverine asked loudly.

Kenzie blew through her whiskers in annoyance. "In the fridge! Duh! Sheesh... Fenno, why--"

"Can I have a Mountain Dew?"

"Yes! You can have a Mountain Dew! Just go get it!" Kenzie grimaced under her breath. "Fenno, why did you kill Log-a-Log and betray the Guosim?"

"Well," the hefty shrew began. "Dippler and I were at odds sometimes, y'see. Always fightin'--"

"Always fightin', my tail!" Dippler stood up and roared. "You were the one doin' the fightin', Fenno, if ye can call it fightin'! All you ever did was beat me up!"

"Anyway, Log-a-Log was kind of bossy with me all the time, so I--"

"I'm gonna get a soda, anyone want one?" Gulo called. "Hey Kenzie, I wasn't there, was I?"

"You weren't where?" Kenzie asked exasperatedly.

"That place when he was killing beasts and everything!"

"No, and he hasn't gotten to that part yet!"

"I will if you just listen!" Fenno interrupted. "Anyway, it seemed like every time I tried openin' my mouth, Log-a-Log would just wave his sword around and yell at me, so when I saw the chance, I went for it."

"And you... killed him?" Kenzie said incredulously.

"Well, yeah."

The rat stared at him. "Dude, you have anger management issues."

"I do NOT have issues!" Fenno argued. "I was just mad at him, that's all!"

"Hey, couldn't you just try talking your problems out in a calm manner?" Sunflash aka SunSTRIPE suggested.

Fenno stared at the Badger Lord as though he was the stupidest creature in the world. "Of course not! I'm a shrew!"

"Guess you can't argue with that," Kenzie muttered. "Druwp, your turn."

"I wanted to be on the winning side, simple as that," the vole said with a yawn. "Personally, I can't see why it would tick you off so much."

"Because in the Nelvana cartoon, you almost killed my dad!" Felldoh roared from the audience.

"Well, in the Nelvana cartoon, Yarrow the 'young mouse' sounded like an eighty-year-old, and Killconey was all fat and ugly!" Druwp retorted.

"Guess you can't argue with that, either," Kenzie muttered. "Now, Mr. Grumpy Bankvole, what's your side of your story?"

"That hedgehog stole my food and my knife!" the bankvole snapped. "All I wanted was a replacement, and when that stupid mouse lady tried to stop me, I pushed her out of the way!"

"Did you know that you were stealing the most valuable weapon in Mossflower, the Sword of Martin?" Kenzie asked.

The bankvole thought for a moment. "Well... no."

"And after Orkwil saved your life, you're whining about a stupid little knife and a lost dinner?" Kenzie asked.

"Well, yeah," the bankvole shot back. "He stole from me!"

"And you stole from the Abbey, and killed Sister Atrata, who never did anything to you," Kenzie finished.

The bankvole blinked. "I guess I can't argue with that," he admitted.

Gulo poked his head out of the doorway again. "Hey Kenzie, are there any girls out there?"

"Yes, Gulo, there are girls!" Kenzie snapped. "But I don't think any of them are your type!"

"I know, but if there are any girls out there, then I wanna--"

"CUT TO COMMERCIAL!" Kenzie roared. "COMMERCIAL, NOW!"

**A/N: I do not own Summoner Geeks, nor do I own the idea of painting 'I EAT SMALL KIDS' on your chest. That belongs to a rather disturbed member of my brother's Boy Scout troop, who is also the brother of a member of my Girl Scout Troop. I don't really know who Summoner Geeks belongs to. (If you don't know it, look it up on Youtube. It's hilarious.)**


	3. REFORMED!

COMMERCIAL!

Cluny slumped in his seat in the seedy tavern. "I can't believe it! When that carriage crashed... I lost a good number of my horde! And then we went on to attack Redwall... a disaster! A complete disaster! Just the carriage crash cost me a fortune!"

"Well you know, mate," a Moniter lizard said, tapping him on the shoulder. "Some bloke I knew got carriage insurance."

"But they just nickel and dime ye to death. Insurance costs just as much, you know."

"You can save 'undreds on carriage insurance just by switching to Geico!"

Geico. Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on carriage insurance.

* * *

Klitch and Veil bent over a piece of parchment paper, while Klitch scribbled out signs with a stick of charcoal.

"See, I'm telling you," the young weasel was saying. "This higher infinity stuff is completely true. See, you have a line, which goes on into infinity either way, and then you have a ray, which goes on into infinity just one way, but has an end. Both of them are infinite, but you'd say the line was longer, because it goes on infinitely both ways."

"Yeah, I know!" the ferret said with a nod. "And then there's that mathematical law that says that for every 'x', there's always an 'x + 1'."

"Exactly," Klitch said, thumping the parchment triumphantly. "I'm really grateful for this fanfiction stuff, where you can pretty much meet and talk to anyone from any generation. I tried explaining this stuff to Goffa once. Talk about frustrating! You might as well be explaining proper leadership skills to Groffgut!"

"Or the concept of ageism being wrong to our fathers," Veil muttered.

"I hear you, mate."

Kenzie stared at them, blinking several times as if to say, 'Er... okay...' before a renegade Dabbun nailed her in the snout with a well-aimed ping pong ball.

"Gerron wiv it, afore us all falls 'sleep!" Dwopple, who had returned to the audience, bellowed.

"Er... yes!" Kenzie straightened her glasses quickly. "As an inverse to what we had in the previous chapter--"

"MOOOOOM!" a random mousebabe called to his mother. "She just broke the fourth wall!"

"AHEM!" Kenzie cleared her throat loudly, doing a fair imitation of Chibb the robin. "As I was saying, as an inverse to the idea of 'bad' woodlanders, I decided to bring up to the stage a few of the well-known 'reformed' vermin. Give a warm 'hello' to Blaggut, Graylunk, Romsca, Flinky, Gingivere and Ashleg!"

There was a smattering of applause, much preferable to the boos at the previous guests.

"'Ello!" Blaggut said cheerfully.

"AUGH!" Graylunk screamed.

"Ahoy, there, mates," Romsca waved a paw halfheartedly. The ferret was obviously not much for large crowds (unless the large crowd was located on a ship).

"Good day," Gingivere said pleasantly.

"Hi!" Flinky greeted, a bit less enthusiastically than Blaggut but much more than Romsca.

Ashleg looked around. "Do I really belong here? I'm not really... reformed, per se, but I just deserted. I mean, if deserting means reformed, then where are Firty and them from Eulalia, and the Grand Fragorl from Lord Brocktree?"

"The authoress was going for covering as many different species as possible," Kenzie told him. "Also, the author does not own the book Eulalia."

"How come?" the pine marten inquired.

"'Cause my mom hates it when I buy hardcover books, and Eulalia isn't out in paperback yet," The authoress explained from her position at the computer, writing this fic.

"Oh." It is unspecified who said that just now.

"So, how about we take this alphabetical order, then," Kenzie decided. "Ashleg, you first."

"Well, like I said, I'm not exactly reformed," the marten explained with a shrug. "I just didn't want to follow the orders of a power-insane cat with extreme hydrophobia and paranoia.

"I'M NOT PARANOID!" Tsarmina screeched. "I'M NOT PARANOID! I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOOOOOT! AND I'M NOT CRAZY, EITHER!" She carried on like this until a security wolverine with a build like a silverback gorilla had to lumber over and sit her back down.

"Er... ahem..." Nervously Kenzie repositioned her glasses. Seeing who was next, she grinned. "Ah, Blaggut, a rat like myself. So what's your story?"

"Well..." the former searat began. "Cap'n Slipp was always a --(due to coarse searat slang, this phrase has been censored for your protection) who could bloody well (censored) himself straight up the (censored) for all I care--"

"'EY!" Slipp roared from his seat in the audience. Beside him, Strapp sniggered unpleasantly.

"Blaggut, please refrain from using language like that," Kenzie half-pleaded. "Not all the Dibbuns fled when Mistress Flackery pulled the fire alarm."

The searat carried on, seemingly deaf to Kenzie's protests, and his language became progressively more profane.

"Er..." Kenzie said for the fourth time in this chapter. Facepalming, the rat muttered, "What next, Jeefra's an intellectual?"

Behind her, the aforementioned feral cat had sat down next to Klitch and Veil with a large textbook in his paws. "Say, fellas, have you ever tried mathematics in base eight? It's fascinating. I've pretty much got base eight down, but base four is proving to be a bit more of a problem..."

"...And so anyway," Blaggut continued, "When Cap'n Slipp murdered that dear ol' badger lady, and then started whackin' me wid a tree branch, I decided I'd had enough of his (censored). So I slayed him, returned the pretty cup to the Redwallers, and started a boat business near the sea."

"And how's that goin' for you?" Kenzie asked, hoping he wouldn't swear anymore.

"Oh, just dandy."

"Flinky, how about you?"

The stoat scratched his nosetip. "I'm sorta like Ashleg, not quite reformed, but not quite 'evil'. I'm not much of a killer meself, but I just wants ter 'ave some fun sometimes. And that liddle runt fox needed killin', so 'e did."

"I agree," Kenzie replied truthfully. At that point, Badredd stood up on his chair and hurled a large mincemeat pie at the rat.

_Splat!_

Kenzie had grabbed the nearest stagehand and yanked him in the path of the flying pie. "Sorry about that, Scarum."

The hare was scraping pie fragments from his face and stuffing them happily into his mouth. "Mmm... scrmph scrmph... sorry for what?"

As Scarum skipped off backstage, pausing to swipe a box of Lucky Charms from under Gulo's muzzle, Kenzie turned back to her guests. "Right then! Gingivere, you may speak."

"A-ahem," Gingivere cleared his throat politely. "Well, I was never much for war and fighting and killing, but I was willing to risk my life for the Corim and those two little hedgehogs, especially after the Mask died."

"How very touching," Ungatt Trunn jeered from the audience. "Am I actually RELATED to you??"

Rather than answering his uncle, Gingivere opted for a similar method to the Grumpy Bankvole's and flipped him off. This time, Kenzie decided not to threaten any finger-cutting.

"Ugh..." the rat groaned. "Graylunk...?"

The weasel had curled up into a ball and was twitching uncontrollably. "Mad Eyes... Mad Eyes is here! He's coming for me... NO I DON'T WANNA DIE!! MAD EYES IS BAD! MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Kenzie's eye twitched. "Fermald, could I get a paw over here?"

The old squirrel moved in front of the weasel and roared, "GET IT TOGETHER, MAN!"

"AAAAUUUUUUGHwhat? Oh hey, Fermald." Graylunk shook his head to clear it. "Did I go off again? Sorry about that. I just... do that sometimes."

"So we gathered," Kenzie said drily. "So what's your story, Graylunk?"

"Well, after I stole the Tears of all Oceans and me matey Flairnose clocked me a good'un to the head, I went sorta crazy," the weasel admitted.

"'Sorta'?" muttered Romsca.

"Sorry, by the way, Cap'n Conva," Graylunk apologized to the corsair stoat in the audience. "It didn't hurt too much, did it?"

"Well, I didn't know what I was doing, really," Conva replied. "BUT YEAH IT HURT! I FELL OUT OF A BLEEDIN' WINDOW!"

"Anyway," Graylunk continued. "I decided to repent all evil, and I owe it all to this squirrel right 'ere." He jerked his thumb at Fermald.

"Don't you forget it," Fermald replied, punching him in the shoulder.

"And last but certainly not least, Romsca," said Kenzie. "You're probably the most famous reformed character in the series."

"ROMZCA IZ OVERRATED!" Lask Frildur, who was sitting in the front row, hissed.

"Lazk zuckz!" Zurgat added.

"I do not!" Lask snarled. "I'm not reformed, and I'm proud to zay zo!"

"I'm a better General than you are," the female lizard murmured grumpily.

"I'm sorta like Graylunk, I got an abbeybeast to thank," said Romsca, before waving to an old mouse in the audience. "Thankee, Durral!"

Many of the audience clapped.

"Now why do they clap for Romsca and not for us?" Gingivere demanded indignantly.

"'Cause Romsca has her own online shrine," Kenzie replied.

"WHAT?!" all the rest of the guests roared.

"I want a shrine!" Blaggut whined. "What's so special about her?"

"SHUT UP YOU ZTUPID LIZARD!" Somehow, Lask and Zurgat had continued their argument. "YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY JOB! NEVER!"

"Actually, Lord Ublaz waz thinking of appointing me Moniter General in your abzenze, Lazk," Zurgat informed him smugly. At this, Lask jumped on her. The two started brawling, and pretty soon all of the reptilian members of the audience were joining in. Deathcoil, Whipscale, the various evil swamp lizards, and even Mister Death immediately started duking it out.

At that moment, seeing how much trouble the rat was having with her audience, her human self the authoress decided to send in some backup.

"Help's on the way, Kenzie," the authoress announced with a bright smile.

Kenzie actually breathed a sigh of relief. Then she saw the 'help' that the authoress had actually sent.

A pale tan cat with light brown fur on his face, ears, limbs, and tail was beamed onto the set. He was small, still only half-grown, but he was toting a miniature crossbow which he aimed around excitedly, giggling to himself. "Heeheeheeheeheehee..."

The rat almost burst into tears at that moment. Of all the living organisms to send, oh gods why did it have to be Caesar, **the closet emo**'s pet psychokitten?

* * *

**The closet emo is a very good friend of mine, and a writer here on in the Warriors section. And she has a kitten named Caesar, who is pathologically insane. She will probably kill me for placing a weapon in his paws, if Caesar doesn't accidentally kill me first.**

**Kenzie: I might just contemplate killing myself...**


	4. Wherefore art thou Caesar?

Fwirl stood at the doorway to the kitchens, holding a conversation with Mhera. "Oh yes, Abbess, I've been losing weight. It's hard not to, what with the woodland trifle, the pies full of berries, apples, plums, peaches, pears, rhubarb, and whatnot..."

In the kitchens, Broggle heard her list off the food and immediately opened the larder and eagerly began rummaging around. Shoving aside cups and cups of yogurt, he listened as his wife continued to rattle off delicious foods.

"Raspberry cream tarts, strawberry scones spread with honey, fruit turnovers, and ooh! Great Hall Cake!" Fwirl finally noticed her husband digging around in the cupboards and turned around. "Broggle? What are you doing?"

The squirrel stood up straight, attempting to look innocent.

**Yoplait Light!**

* * *

Gulo was having trouble. Caesar sat in front of him, staring up at him in a mixture of curiosity and expectance. Just... staring.

The wolverine reached for a bag of Cheetohs, noticing that the small cat kept glancing at it. Uneasily, Gulo popped one into his mouth. Big mistake.

"WANT!" Caesar leaped on him and attempted to shove his striped muzzle into the wolverine's mouth in pursuit of the Cheetoh. Gulo, who had gone through several expensive therapy sessions to help his semi-cannibalistic tendencies, let out a startled yelp and swatted at him frantically.

"YEEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH! GET 'IM OFF GET 'IM OFF GET 'IM OFF!"

"CAESAR!" Kenzie dashed in from the stage, her glasses trembling on her snout. "IF YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL FOOD, DON'T WAIT UNTIL THEY'RE ALREADY EATING IT!"

Realizing his fight for the Cheetoh was lost, Caesar dropped off of Gulo's snout and had a miniature spazattack on the floor. "NYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!"

Sighing, Kenzie returned to the stage. "Sorry about that," she apologized wearily. "New guy. So, anyway, over the next few chapters--"

"MOOOOOM!" the random mousebabe from the previous chapter bawled. "She just broke the fourth wall again, twice!"

"OVER THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS," Kenzie continued tersely. "I will be doing something called 'author's favorites'. Each chapter--"

"MOOOOOM!"

"EACH CHAPTER WILL FEATURE THE AUTHORESS'S FAVORITE CHARACTERS OF A CERTAIN CATEGORY," Kenzie fairly roared. "The category for this chapter--"

"MOOOOOM!"

"THE CATEGORY FOR THIS CHAPTER IS 'FAVORITE WARLORD'," Kenzie screamed, looking like she'd very much like to find something small and furry and kill it. Shaking herself, she held up an envelope and opened it. "The author's favorite warlord is..."

Cluny the Scourge, Urgan Nagru the Foxwolf, Verdauga Greeneyes, Bowflegg, Ungatt Trunn, and various other conquerors leaned forward eagerly.

"...Ferahgo the Assassin."

"Yes!" The blue-eyed weasel leapt out of his seat, punching the air triumphantly before grinning smugly at another warlord. "Take that, Swartty!"

The six-clawed ferret was about to leap at the weasel, but a barrel-chested security badger managed to tackle him before anything regrettable happened.

Ferahgo leapt up onto the stage and seated himself contentedly in the armchair provided.

"The author wanted me to ask you a few questions," Kenzie began. "First of all, do you think your life as a conqueror? Do you think you were successful?"

"Well, up until I got me ribs crushed by a Darkgates-blessed badger, I guess so," the elderly weasel re--

"HEY!" Ferahgo roared suddenly, seeing how the authoress had described him in the previous paragraph. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'ELDERLY'?!"

The only audible response from the author was smothered sniggering.

Startled by Ferahgo's yelling, Kenzie failed to notice that Caesar had crept out onstage with his crossbow clutched in both paws. Without warning, he screamed shrilly and began rapid firing in every direction. Sensing that out in the open was no longer a safe place to be, the weasel warlord dove back into the audience.

Kenzie whirled around, ducking just in time to avoid one of the crazed kitten's missiles. "Caesar, you trigger-happy lunatic, give me that crossbow!" The cat dashed off with the enraged rat in pursuit, the former shrieking, "I'MMA FIRIN MAH LAZURS!"

Suddenly, Kenzie stopped in her tracks, reaching into her pocket. "Oh, Caaaeeesaaar..." The tan-and-brown cat performed a wild backflip and landed right in front of her.

"Paintbrush!" the rat roared, waving the aforementioned item in the cat's face.

"NYEEEEEEEEHHHHHHH!" Caesar panicked, dropping his crossbow in the process. Quick as a flash, a security shrew snatched it. At the sight of his beloved weapon taken from him, Caesar let out a long, deafening wail that lasted a full thirty seconds before falling over in a deep sleep.

Facepalming, Kenzie made her way back to the stage, where a familiar black-eared, white rabbit with black fur around her eyes was waiting. "Oh, hello, 42."

The Plot Bunny flapped a paw in greeting. "Hey, Kenz. We have a problem. Caesar's making the fic way too random."

Kenzie facepalmed again. "Oh, for the love of Cyr--"

"DON'T SAY IT!" 42 roared. "You don't need to tell everyone about your new unhealthy obsession!"

"It's not unhealthy!" Kenzie argued, momentarily forgetting that the audience was still listening. "_Cyrano de Bergerac_ is a literary classic! How can it possibly be unhealthy?"

In the audience, Swartt Sixclaw was in stitches. "NERD!"

"Nerd?" Kenzie replied. "Why, yes I am. Always be nice to nerds; they'll eventually be your bosses."

But Swartt, determined to have the last word, made the worst mistake anybeast could make at this point in time. "And Cyrano de Bergerac's nothin' more'n a Marty Stu wid a nose yew could land a corsair galleon on!"

Silence. Dead silence.

Kenzie stared at him, her whiskers quivering with emotion. "What... did you just... say?"

The mocking smile on Swartt's face wavered for a split second before he repeated himself arrogantly. "I said, Cyrano de Bergerac's a Marty Stu wid a nose yew could land a corsair galleon on."

Veil and Klitch covered each other's eyes.

Kenzie let out a deafening roar of rage and launched herself headlong at the ferret, her eyes blazing with something that looked suspiciously like Bloodwrath. Plot Bunny 42 did not move to try to restrain the rat, knowing that no force on earth was more unstoppable than Kenzie at this moment. Not even Caesar on peanut butter.

Well... maybe that's a bit of a stretch...

* * *

Backstage, Cyrano had been transported in through the authoress's Happy Place™. Watching from behind the curtain, the Gascon performed a small victory dance, punching the air triumphantly. "Yes! Yes! I have fangirls!"

* * *

**Why yes, _Cyrano de Bergerac_ is my latest fan-obsession. And yes, I am a complete and total, 100% bona fide authentic nerd. And proud of it!**

**Apologies to those of you who haven't read it before. But if you do read it, you will most likely find it boring. The main reason I love it is because of how my English teacher explains it to us. Is nice.**


	5. Introducing: The OC Stage Crew!

"Vermin and woodlander," said Bryony. "Is there any difference when we're all creatures of Mother Nature? We can all be bad or good; it depends on the choices we make."

"It's what's inside that counts," Bluefen added quietly. "We are defined not by what we are, but by who we are."

**_The More You Know_**

* * *

**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT**

Backstage, Veil, Klitch, Firty, and Beddle huddled together to one side, casting fearful glances at the talk show host, who was muttering darkly to herself while examining a small, wooden... thing.

"She's steamin' mad is wot she is," Firty murmured. "Three things, count 'em; three things spittin' in 'er skilly."

"One's thanks to my idiot father," Veil moaned. "The stupid old fool never should have insulted Cyrano like that. I doubt she'll ever be the same."

"Nah, something like that can be easily remedied," Klitch disagreed. "I think she's mainly angry because her human self found out that one of the states... I think it was California? Well, one of the states passed a proposition banning... eh..."

"Slash marriage, shall we say?" Beddle said drily. "Nay, 'tis because she insulted Kalyn Wordsmith, who paid her back tenfold."

"Give me a long Sue name, will you?" Kenzie's snarl ended in a high-pitched cackle as she took a marking pen and began writing on the back of the wooden object in her claws. "At least I kept mine simple... but no, you had to throw in the apostrophies, didn't you? Kenzie Glassyeyes Adderstar Evanescentjewel Maika'i Wahine Silverlightthatstreamsfromthestarsintheheavens, Child of the Lightbearers, eh?! We'll see about that..." Spinning around suddenly, she held up the wooden thing. "Feel the wrath of Beezlenef, mortal tree-rodent!"

It was an effigy of a very cartoony-looking cat.

Firty blinked. "Wot? Beezlenef? Ain't that that thing from t'Black Magic Club in dat one anime 'er 'uman self's obsessed wid?"

"Lack a day, I don't believe it," Beddle moaned, letting his head drop forward into his paws. "She went into the Ouran High School Host Club universe and stole a Beezlenef doll from Nekozawa, the fool!"

"Who'da thunk it," Veil muttered. Klitch, however, stared around in hopes that somebeast would explain to him what a Beezlenef doll was, as well as this "Ouran High School Host Club" thing. Firty caught on to his helpless look and explained.

"Well, yer see, OHSHC is an anime show about a rich 'igh school, wid dis 'Ost Club thing, but that's too 'ard ter explain. There's a club in dat show called the Black Magic Club, where yew get one o' them Beezlenef dolls if'n ye join. S'posedly, if'n ye write somebeast's name on the back o' the doll, bad things'll 'appen ter 'em."

Klitch hid under a chair.

"Oh, come off it, Klitchy," Firty scoffed. "'Tain't e'en real."

But the young weasel refused to come out. "Don't call me Klitchy, either."

"Regardless," Veil interrupted exasperatedly. "Obviously Kenzie's too deranged to take the stage at this moment. And somebeast has to take over and make the important announcement Kenzie mentioned."

A pretty reddish-brown squirrelmaid stalked out. "Oh, fine, _I'll_ make the announcement!"

Beddle jumped, staring at the squirrelmaid. "Er, er, we thank thee, Bretta." The others noted with glee that he was gazing after her even when she'd already left.

* * *

Paws akimbo, Bretta addressed the audience. "Ladies and gentlebeasts, if I may have your attention?"

Conversations, arguments, and scattered singing carried on, regardless of the squirrelmaid.

"**_'EY! SHUT THE 'ELLGATES UP!"_** Bretta roared.

That did it.

"Thank you." Bretta cleared her throat. "Unfortunately, Kenzie is unable to take the stage right now due to... eh..." She hunted for a word.

"Emotional difficulties," another squirrel with an unusual pelt color offered, poking his head out from behind the stage.

"Er, right. Emotional difficulties. Thank you."

"Believe me, I'm more familiar with them than I'd like to be," came the dry reply.

Recovering herself quickly, Bretta turned back to the crowd. "As I was saying, she was going to make an announcement right now, but I guess I'm going to have to now. Anyhoo, she's decided to select a more official stage crew from Adderstar of ValorClan's Redwall OCs, many of which you've never heard of before. Canon characters are still working for us, but we're here to make things more orderly... if at all possible. The first is myself, Bretta. I'm the new stage manager and JUST BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN DOES NOT MAKE ME GULLIBLE OR OVERLY EMOTIONAL IN ANY WAY." The hard look in her eyes prevented anybeast in the audience from pointing out the fact that she had just contradicted herself. She continued in a calmer voice. "Caesar you know, but he can't really be considered part of the stage crew and is currently being kept quiet with apples and hickory-smoked ham." She pointed upward. "Up there in the sound booth is our lights ferret, Anteon, and our sound manager marten, Dante, of _Bond of Brotherhood_ fame." The audience looked up at the booth to see a black-furred ferret manning the spotlights and the young pine marten adjusting a headset over his ears. "And before you start getting uneasy over the color of Anteon's fur, Adderstar of ValorClan has a reason. When she was drawing him, she made the mistake of coloring his cloak red. She was coloring in the black face-mask of most ferrets when she realized he looked like some sort of ferret superhero. Thusly, to cover up this mistake, she colored him completely black." Despite the explanation, some of the more conservative canon characters remained suspicious.

In the booth, Anteon showed the audience what he thought of any possible Stu comments by shining the spotlight in their eyes.

Fenn Bluepaw, a character who was particularly hated by the author, stood up with a paw over her streaming eyes to yell, "What Sue spawned you, vermin?"

Anteon could be seen shoving Dante aside in the booth to grab the microphone, and the ferret's retort echoed through the entire studio. "YOUR MOM."

The unusually-colored squirrel from before appeared onstage again, speaking into a headset. "Otis, if you please?" A brawny otter padded out into the audience to sit the irritable old squirrel back down in her seat. In the bright stage lights, the audience could clearly see his pelt pattern. He was black all over with a white chest and long ear tufts. His tail was mostly a pale grayish color, but it faded to darker black down the middle. His eyes were a bright green hue.

"And this is Todd," Bretta finished. "He is our head of security, and believe me, Mother Nature help any Sues that try to crash this show. By the way, species-wise he's what's known as an Abert's squirrel, native to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon. Adderstar of ValorClan took a leaf out of Nonny's book and used several characters from different fandoms as well as real-life people in creating him: Flippy and Buddhist Monkey from Happy Tree Friends, Sweeney Todd, Jackie Chan, Ninjai the Little Ninja, Liam Ironarm the Shang Dragon (from Tamora Pierce), and Jason Statham, to name a few."

"Is he immortal?" somebeast asked.

"Will he kill us?"

"Is he a Stu?" Fenn demanded.

"He might as well be, it depends, and not really," Bretta replied. "If you try to kill him, you will most likely be eligible for a ride in a paramedic helicopter. He will only kill you if you're asking for it, and he's not really a Stu. If he were a Stu, he would be a whole new catagory, like Nonny's Random!Stu, Newo."

Dante had successfully wrestled his microphone away from Anteon and now voiced a suggestion. "Killer!Stu, maybe?"

Anteon snatched it back. "Rampage!Stu's better!"

"Shut it, both of you, or I'll spray the pair of you with ketchup and leave Todd to you!" Bretta snarled back. Todd winced visibly. "Oh, no offense Todd."

The squirrel glared at her. "I'm not going to say 'None taken', 'cause I'm not a liar and that remark was completely tasteless. You know that's a tender subject for m--"

"Wha's wrong wiv ketchup?" Dwopple asked from his position in the front row on Deesum's shoulders. He quickly pulled out a bottle of the aforementioned condiment and opened it.

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!**" Bretta dove off the stage just as the evil little mousebabe squeezed the bottle. The red liquid splattered into the squirrelmaid's face.

Todd's gaze snapped to where Bretta lay, frantically wiping at her ketchupy fur. His eyes dulled into a mute olive-green color, and a low half-snarl, half-laugh built up in his throat. Drawing a curved knife from his belt, he hurled himself at her.

In the booth, Anteon nearly dropped the mike. "OH SH--"

Dante snatched it back just in time to shield the younger audience members' ears from his partner's foul language. Down below, Bretta had snatched the nearest weapon--Martin's sword-- and was frantically defending herself from her now-maddened colleague. All across the audience, pandemonium was setting in.

Backstage, Veil had rooted about for a solution and ended up sending Caesar out with his crossbow and tranquilizer bolts. For all Caesar's derangement, his aim was spot-on, sending a bolt right into Todd's left shoulder.

Anteon raced down from the booth to help the security while Dante howled into the microphone. "Will everybeast please calm down! The insane squirrel is being taken care of! Please remain in your seats, and if I see a single container of ketchup, I will personally drag out the holder of said container by his or her toenails!"

The audience gradually quieted due to Dante's shouted threats and the actions of the security animals, and Bretta dashed backstage to wash the ketchup off of herself.

Anteon was left onstage to explain things. "We're very sorry, everybeast, but whenever something happens to Todd that reminds him of fighting, like anything resembling blood or death, he goes crazy. If anything really, really angers him, he will also go crazy. He gets it from Flippy and Buddhist Monkey, and he gets the eye-color-changing thing from Flippy and Liam Ironarm. Uh, don't worry, any second now Kenzie'll be out here and--"

"**_ANTEON!_**"

The rat in question stormed out onstage. "WHAT IS GOING ON? I finally calm down and come out to find Todd unconscious, Bretta covered in ketchup, Caesar out and running around, and Klitch hiding under a chair screaming about demon cats and the end of the world! Nothing's gotten done, and someone ate my last Halloween Milky Way! I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU HAVE AN EXPLANATION?"

"Uh... uh..." The hapless ferret looked to the sound booth and Dante for help, but the marten had mysteriously disappeared from view.

* * *

**Heheh, poor Anteon, he just can't win, can he?**

**The idea of combining various canon characters from different fandoms into one OC belongs to Much Ado About Nonny. I claim no credit for the idea.**

**Bretta and Anteon are characters in a future fanfic I've been planning, and Todd may or may not have his own fic.**

**Also, I included Firty and Beddle in what I call Adderstar's Canon Clique. Beddle's cool and he didn't get a big enough role. And Firty... he's just so CUTE.**


	6. Christmas Special

"Anteon! Dim the lights! Hurry up!" Bretta tapped a footpaw impatiently. "Before the audience starts arriving!"

The studio darkened, and the squirrelmaid appeared from behind the red stage curtain. As a small vengeance against the sharp tone in Bretta's voice, Anteon placed a paw on the switchboard in front of him and flicked them all off.

There was a loud clattering as the squirrelmaid blindly took a step forward and pitched headfirst off the stage, crashing into a stack of folding chairs. "ANTEON, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"

"Don't make so much noise!" Dante hissed into his headset. "You might set Todd off again! It took us longer than it should have to clear out the mess after his _second_ flip-out!" Forgetting momentarily that his voice was coming through the speakers, he added in a mutter, "I swear, that squirrel costs us more money than he earns!"

"I HEARD THAT!"

* * *

_Reviewers: What second flip-out?_

_Adderstar of ValorClan: Trust me, people, you do NOT want to know._

* * *

Caesar bounded out on the stage without incident (because unlike Bretta, he was a cat and could therefore see in the dark), bouncing from foot to foot. "Kenzie can has halp plz, nya?" he mewed. "Cuz im like, ur doin it wrong, nyah. An shes like NOT LISTENIN, nya."

Swiftly deciphering Caesar's high-pitched lolcat dialect, Bretta got to her feet and felt her way back onstage. "Kenzie's having trouble with the strings of lights again. I'd better go. OOF!" A loud thud could be heard when the squirrelmaid suddenly became acquainted with the wall. "ANTEON!"

Muffled sniggering could be heard through the microphone.

"Turn the (censored) lights back on, you idiot!"

The ferret put on a pair of protective goggles with darkened lenses. Placing his paws on all the switches at once, Anteon stretched backward with both footpaws (while keeping his forepaws on the switches) and wrapped his tail around a lever. Sensing what was coming, Dante took shelter beneath the sound panel.

"As you wish, my pretty," Anteon said with a smile. Simultaneously he pushed the switches up and shoved the lever.

A bright white light blazed through the window of the booth as the entire studio was lit up. Frantic screaming from the stage was soon audible.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EYES! I'M BLIND!"

Smiling brightly, Anteon manipulated the switches and pulled the lever back down, dimming the lights properly. "All the power at my clawtips," he said dramatically through Dante's headset. "What do you think of that, little missy squirrel?"

"I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO FIND YOURSELF MINUS A GALLBLADDER, AS SOON AS I CAN SEE AGAIN! JUST YOU WAIT, ANTEON!"

Kenzie emerged from behind the curtain, adjusting her headset and looking triumphant. "The lights are up, finally. I got Gulo to help me. What's all the screaming about? Wait, on second thought, I don't wanna know. By the way, remind me whose idea the Christmas special was?"

All paws pointed to Caesar, who yowled, "MINE, nya."

"Very good. I owe you a piece of ham."

"YAYZ, nya."

"Very good," Kenzie said brightly. "Let the audience back in. Todd?" She spoke into her headset as the audience members began streaming back in.

"Yeah?" The squirrel was positioned at the opposite wall.

"Stress doll."

"Check." With a grin, Todd squeezed the aforementioned doll. Its rubber eyes bugged out, and the squeaker that Bretta had sewn into it produced an shrill squeal. Highly amused, Todd repeated the action and snickered.

At that moment, a certain gangly, rectangular-glasses-wearing Sueslayer ferret happened to pass by on the way to his seat and notice the uncanny simularities between himself and the doll. A strangled noise emerged from his throat before he recovered himself.

"Why me? _Why me?_" Kelaiah muttered helplessly, taking a seat next to another ferret, a weedy specimen with gray fur and a scarred face.

"Hey, I know you," said the gray ferret, nudging him. "You're that one Sueslayer with the laser that Kenz is always ranting about... eh... what's your name... Kel... Kel..."

Kelaiah's eyes snapped to the other ferret, glaring at him with such ferocity that the latter shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "Did..." he snarled. "Did you just call me... Kel-Kel?"

"Er, no! No, of course not!" the other ferret held up both paws defensively. "I was just trying to remember... Kelaiah! That was it! The one with the angry caps and the laser! Eh, my name's Jonathan! Perhaps you've heard of me!" He smiled nervously.

To his relief Kelaiah grinned back. "That's all right. I missheard, that's all."

Jonathan slumped in his seat. "I know how you feel, though. Scrawny Jonny. That's what everyone calls me. But I could tell you something about Kenzie..."

* * *

The rat in question stepped out onto the darkened stage when the audience was situated. "Hello, everybeast, and welcome back to 'The Insanities'! We're taking a small break from our regular program, to bring you..." She trailed off dramatically and paused. "Eh... to bring you..."

Up in the booth, Anteon and Dante were playing with plastic model dinosaurs and making them fight.

Todd tapped his headset. "Dante? Anteon? That's your cue."

A muffled swear word from Anteon preceded a drumroll and finally...

The lights.

All around the stage, strings of red, blue, green, orange, and white lights blinked on simultaneously. Smiling, Kenzie finished. "Our Christmas Special! Now, I realize that Christmas is not canon, but I just LOVE Christmas! I'm a Christmassy person!"

Brother Hollyberry raised a paw helpfully. "Oh, I love Christmas, too!"

Encouraged, many other members of the audience began voicing their opinions.

"I love presents!"

"Christmas trees!"

"Pretty decorations!"

"Er, er, roast turkey!" shouted Lousewort, earning many disgusted looks from the woodlanders.

"Yes, yes, I know Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year," Kenzie said, beaming. "So to begin the Christmas special, I will recite to you a Redwall-ized version of a certain Christmas classic."

"Oh! Is it A Christmas Carol?" Saxtus asked, raising his paw. "The one with Mr. Scrooge and the three Christmas ghosts?"

Dingeye gulped, murmuring to Thura. "Er, I don't like ghost stories, do ye, mucker?"

"No, I don't, Ding," Thura whimpered back through chattering teeth. "Miz Kenzie, this ain't gonna be a scary story, is it?"

"Call yourself Corpsemakers!" Dethbrush jeered. With the fox's back turned, Forgrin quietly gave him bunny ears. Raptail sniggered.

"This is not A Christmas Carol!" Kenzie snapped. "It's The Night Before Christmas!"

The two stoats set up a fresh wail. "I knew it'd be scary story, mucker!" Thura wailed.

Kenzie facepalmed. "Fine! I won't do it, then! Happy? Good gods... In that case, we'll just skip to the caroling."

Backstage, Veil and Klitch shrugged at each other and led the rest of the Canon Clique out onstage. The young ferret stepped up to the microphone. "Eh, so Kenzie has Redwall-ified certain Christmas carols to fit the fandom... so... the first one is probably recognizable. Here we go."

Veil, Klitch, Jeefra, Firty, and Beddle stood in a row before the audience, before Boorab and Tarquin began playing their respective instruments in the background. After a brief introduction, the five canon characters began singing to the tune of 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town'.

"_Oh, you better watch out,_

_And you better cry,_

_'Cause if you're a Sue,_

_Then you're gonna die._

_Arawolf is coming to town._

_She's making a plan__,_

_With her scimitar,_

_If she can see you,_

_You'll never get far._

_Arawolf is coming to town._

_She'll kill you when you're sleeping_

_So hide if you're awake._

_She doesn't care if you're bad or good_

_So RUN for goodness sake!_

_Oh, you better watch out_

_And you better cry!_

_'Cause if you're a Sue,_

_Then you're gonna die!_

_Arawolf is coming to town._

_Arawolf is coming to town!_

_ARAWOLF IS COMIIING TO TOOOOOWWWWNN!"_

Lady Aleetheiah Silverstorm Windriver Lightningflash Tempestcry Platinum the Third had been laboriously keeping it together through the entire song, gripping her seat cushion with daintily polished claws. Finally, something snapped in the beautiful young squirrel's mind, and she shot out of her seat with a piercing scream of terror. The entire audience, as well as the stage crew, simultaneously turned their heads to stare at the dazzling silver-furred squirrel flashing in the stage lighting as she fled.

Kenzie blinked. "Um... okay... right then!"

Turning back to the singers, she was surprised to see that the five of them, as well as Tarqin and Boorab, were doing a poor job of holding in their laughter.

"What?" the rat demanded.

"The seven of us noticed 'er when she first walked in," Klitch snickered. "Why do you think we repeated the last line twice?"

Kenzie grinned. "Good job of that. What's the next one?"

"'Ey, Boorab, Tark, put on O Warrior's Night," Klitch called back. "Second choir!

The two hares obliged wholeheartedly. A few Abbeybeasts, including Abbot Apodemus, Abbess Songbreeze, Sister Sage, Brother Hollyberry, and Sister Nasturtium replaced the first singers, and the second song began.

"O Warrior's Night, the stars are brightly shining,  
It is the night of the brave Warrior's dawn.  
Long lay the Wood, in tyranny and battle  
Til he arrived, and with sword Martin won.  
A thrill of hope, each woodlander rejoices  
For yonder breaks a new and peaceful morn

Rise from your knees  
O hear his spirit speaking  
Oh night of peace  
Oh night, when Martin won.  
Oh night of peace  
Oh night, oh night of peace.

And in his path, a Champion arises  
To battle those who slay without a care

Rise from your knees  
O hear his spirit speaking  
Oh night of peace,  
Oh night, when Martin won..."

At this point, a familiar beautiful mousemaid with hazel eyes stepped forward, and a few beasts from the audience clapped when Rose hit the highest note perfectly before the rest of the singers rejoined her on the final line.

"Oh night, oh Warrior's night,  
Oh night of peace."

The song ended, and the final notes of the haredee gurdee and the harolina died away so that everybeast present could hear Kenzie ranting into her pink Razor.

"Mr. Jacques, with all due respect, you're completely overreacting!" Kenzie snarled into her cell phone. "I'm sorry you aren't enjoying the song or my modification of it... yes, I admit it was done in five minutes... Excuse me?! I assure you, I had absolutely no intentions of comparing Martin to Jesus, subtlely or blatantly! Hey! Now you're insulting my human self's fanfics? What? Look, she already apologized to you for Oleander Windflame, and that story died anyway... Excuse me, but I have a Christmas special to run, so we'll continue this discussion later!"

Flipping her phone shut moodily, the rat smoothed her bristling whiskers and turned back to the audience with a smile. "Sorry about that. Lovely singing, all of you, and Rose of course--"

"_KENZO-SLICE?!_ HA! Now that's funny!"

The falsely cheerful words trailed off as Kenzie turned to the source of the voice: a skinny, bespectacled ferret who had spoken much more loudly than he'd intended.

Jonathan, seated next to the laughing Kelaiah, slid lower in his seat. "K-Kel. Kel, shut up. Now."

"Haha, ha, huh?" The laughter died in Kelaiah's throat when he saw the look on the rat's face, eerily similar to the one he always had when somebeast used his 'forbidden nicknames'. "O-oh. Geez. What do I do now?"

"Don't faint," Jonathan hissed. "Run now. NOW."

Kelaiah obeyed with much alacrity, sprinting for the door with Kenzie terrifyingly close behind. The rat had somehow produced her short-handled, wide-bladed glaive from thin air, which she swung at him enthusiastically. The ferret's dismayed screaming echoed as he crashed through the closed door, leaving a Kelaiah-shaped hole. Kenzie jumped through, screaming many unrepeatable things, among which were "Kelly" and "Kel-Kel".

**_"WHY ME?! WHY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????!!!!!!!" _**

The stage manager sprinted out while Todd struggled with the curtain.

"That's the show for today!" Bretta announced, putting on her best fake smile. "Bye, everyone!"

"That's every_beast_!" Dandin roared.

* * *

**Ferret-Kel was used with permission. And I assure you, that will be the last you see of him. Merry Christmas!**


End file.
